Coming together … the bullying solution

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Coming Together … The Bullying Solution

There are some myths around bullying that we’d do well to bust with some average, every day common sense. For instance, many of us think that bullying is simply a behavioural problem. Essentially, it isn’t. If it were, we could deprogram and then reprogram children to behave differently. Literally thousands of anti-bullying programs have been tried across the globe in recent decades. Why haven’t we found one that works yet?

At its core bullying is a cultural and relational problem. When we raise children in cultures of kindness and empathy, such as a positive school community or a caring family, the likelihood of that child using bullying behaviours reduces dramatically.

Yet we keep buying programs and making it tougher for our time-poor schools and families to focus intently on building kind and empathetic capabilities in children. It’s common sense to begin to change that.

Another myth we need to bust is that those who bully can be easily or swiftly cured of their behaviours if they are isolated from those they are bullying. If addressing bullying is about learning to be kind and empathetic to others, then those who bully need to practise new and appropriate behaviours on those they have harmed.

Did we just articulate that we should be bringing together the child who is bullying and the child on the receiving end of that bullying? Doesn’t that sound dangerous? Doesn’t that sound like an opportunity for more harm to be done? It is easy to understand why the alarm bells are sounding and it is perfectly normal to have an emotional response when you are desperate to protect children from being harmed. It is important though to understand that restorative practices can help to address and prevent further bullying. Discussing your concerns with the school may be helpful, especially if it is proving difficult to move past the emotional responses.

“I value unity because I believe we learn truth from each other in this process.”
– Rowan Williams

When we allow ourselves to view the situation calmly it’s likely we’ll realise that the relationship between the child who is bullying and child who is being bullied has become dysfunctional, broken.

This situation is not the fault of the child who is being bullied. However, a child who has been bullied will benefit from the relationship being repaired. After all, once the consequences, the conversations and the warnings have been conducted, both need to co-exist in the relational structure that is a school.

Our common sense knows that this sequence of events is more likely to produce a positive outcome than isolation and separatism:

  • the child who bullies is brought to fully understand the harm caused in a safe, structured conversation.
  • the child who has been bullying fully commits to actions (agreed to by the child who has been bullied) that undo, repair or restore that harm.
  • an adult follows through to ensure those actions are completed and that no further harm is done.

It can be a big ask for parents and carers to be willing to accede to their child coming face to face with their tormentor. Choosing the brave option to work with your school to facilitate that conversation – safely, calmly and effectively – may well be the best gift you can provide your child at such a time.

Further reading

More articles in the How can I work with my school? topic

Handling our emotions when bullying happens

It is genuinely tough to guarantee anything about the way that you will react if bullying enters your lives through your children. So it stands to reason that it’s equally tough to guarantee that you or the school will use the right strategy at these times. Guarantees are difficult to make because of the high level of emotion that you feel when you find out that your child has either been bullied or is bullying.

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Working with the school – and not against the school

There’s an old expression about partnership and cooperation that goes, “The right hand needs to know what the left hand is doing.”

This expression could be no more apt than when describing the way that parents, care givers and schools conduct themselves when bullying becomes a problem.

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